Echoes Through The Wall
Summary Olan tells the story about a confrontation with his neighbor in his apartment complex. A link to the video is here. Actors * Olan Rogers Transcript I’m feeling my thighs. Hello. That’s the worst way to start off a conversation. What’s going on? Nothing? Good. ‘Cause I've got a story. And here we go. There was a wall in my old apartment complex that at times felt like there was no wall there. I could hear everything my neighbor was doing. And I mean… everything. The guy was a douche canoe. He was a douche canoe, man, and he was the worst. He was the worst. I thought he was a hit man, actually, ‘cause he looked like a thrift store Jason Statham, and he was always in a bad mood, always had a bag of chips on his shoulder. I could hear through this paper-thin wall when he had parties, when he was watching John Claude Van Damme movies, when he was- I heard one time he had the hiccups. I could hear him have the hiccups! I also could hear when, uh... he would have relations… with uh, you know, and that crap sounded like two diseased rhinos hopping on a pogo stick... together. So I’m sleeping one night, and I get woken up to what appears to be, you know, two velociraptors starting a metal band on a bed frame, and uh, so I do something, something that I probably shouldn't have done, but you know… So I take my shoe, and I, uh.... tap against the wall. You know, let him “hey, hey.” Japetto’s workshop shuts down. I don’t hear a thing. That’s when I hear him shout, “Quiet down!” Wha- who- excuse me. I didn't think my gentle prance of my shoe would interrupt your noise-making. So I take my shoe, and I tap the freaking, I tap the crap out of that wall. I tap all ta- I just go to a ta- tap tip tap. tap tap. tap! tap. You know what’s on tap? A bunch of taps. Then he shouts, “I’m going to beat your face in if I hear one more tap! One! One!” And the lady chimes in. She’s like, “Yeh yes! We’re sleeping!” I was sleeping. I know what sleep is. What that, what you were doing was not sleep. That crap is two-player Jumanji, which they started back up. I was at the end of my rope. So I do something, something that I probably shouldn't have done, but… I make an ad on Craig’s list, and I put his address down. Millions of ads on Craig’s list go unnoticed all the time. This was just me passive-aggressively venting. You know, I’m not the first person to do something like this. I’m not going to be the last either. So it’s uh… So next day I get home from work... and I start hearing loud noises, like doors slamming, little bit of yelling. I don’t know what’s- I can’t make it out. I just know that it’s just loud. He’s- and that’s the guy, you know that’s the norm for Douche Canoe. He was just a loud person. That’s when I hear him yell, “I don’t have an owl!” I should probably tell you what the ad was about. The ad was that he had inherited a rare Russian Hawk Owl named “Lil BB”, and Lil BB loved ice cream sandwiches, okay. I put down that whoever came and gave Lil BB the most ice cream sandwiches to win over Lil BB’s heart, he would give Lil BB over, because he can’t stay in this apartment, ‘cause it was too loud, you know, he’s a- which was a slight jab. I was hoping that it was so subtle that he wouldn't pick it up. I also put down that he might act like he doesn't know that he has this owl, and that’s because you have to say the password. So in order to see Lil BB, you had to perform this password, and the password was that you had to throw, you had to throw a bunch of glitter in the air, and say, and say “magic”. You had to throw this glitter in the air and, and shout “magic”. So I run outside, and I see a small line of people just walking to this guy’s house. I left about the time that I heard someone shout “magic!” Later that night, I hear, I hear some banging on my door. I tread softly to the peep hole I look through: Douche Canoe. He is breathing so intensely. I’m assuming that he saw my, my jab, ‘cause he was convinced that it was me, right, and he would be right, ‘cause it was me. So he, he keeps pounding and just “Did you do that? Did you do this!? I have been turning people away all day, looking for this flippin' owl! I know it was you. I know it was you. Open this door now. Open this d-” Oh man, he wanted to Hulk Smash someone’s face in. There was only really one way, one way out of this. So I do something, something that I probably shouldn't have done, but uh…. There was a set of clubs, golf clubs, next to the door. So I grab one, upside down, and I’m gonna frickin’, I’m gonna hit him… with the idea that I was blind. I could do this. I could pull this off. I can pull this off. Chances of him hitting a blind man… what like that? So I open up the door, and I like look straight up to the clouds, right, but I could still see him. I could still see his stupid douche canoe face, right. This guy, he is covered, covered in glitter. It’s like nobody even did the ice cream sandwich thing, and just threw glitter on this guy. And I say, “What can I do ya for?” And I tap the ground once, with this flipping golf club like upside-down golf club, and I’m trying to sell this thing, right? and then that’s when I remembered, like, what he said to me, and that’s when I said, “So you gonna beat my face in!?” I could tell his mood instantly changed like a, “oh, oh crap. Guy’s blind.” However, I realized that I had totally given myself away to the fact that I was not blind by saying that. I don’t think he knew that I gave myself away. He like cleared his throat. I think there, I think there might’ve been a little bit of glitter in there, and he walks away. I think he actually moved out a couple weeks later, ‘cause it was quiet, you know, I didn't hear anything. It’s probably ‘cause the glitter. That crap friggin, that crap’s probably still there. Pause! for end-of-video hotness!... This is not what I had in mind.